Im feelin it.
Blogging time.
Im sorry that I have been away for so long. :(
I hope I am apologizing to someone. I hope I still a have a reader or two.
So, I have been....not me....lately.
I have been in a funk. A funky funk funk.
I believe that what ever is going on outside of you, is a mirror as to what you are putting out into the world.
So, when I start seeing, feeling and watching things swirl around me in my life that I dont like, I need to stop and think what I am (or am NOT) putting out there as well.
Are you dizzy? Did that even make a lick of sense?
Well, anyway, one thing that I have been "struggling" with is expectation of friendship and what that looks like.
Friendship has always been something that has been a struggle for me.
I hated Jr. High because it was an awkward time for friendships for me.
Jr. High just hurt for the most part.
In high school, I had friends. I had one or two close friends. But I wasnt busy on the weekend. Not even close.
I have a hard time expanding my friend-ness. It is a very vulnerable thing for me.
However, I am lucky. I have chosen really good people to be my friends in my adult years. Even a few from my Jr. high and High School years are still my friends. Even if we never "see" each other.
However, of the times that I have been hurt most in my life, it has not been by boys, siblings or parents. It has been by friends.
Right now, Im learning lessons in friendship. Mostly about how I do them. And how I hurt me with them. And, I am learning that there are many on the outside of "my circle" that are just waiting for my signal. My invitation.
I am learning that the more I let people in, the greater risk there is for hurt, and of coarse, the greater risk there is for reward.
I am also learning that it isnt the end of a friendship when I get hurt.
Ok, I have never thought it was the end of a friendship when I get hurt. BUT I will create space while I find another safe place and lick my wounds.
My best lesson about friendship was on Tuesday this week.
Back story-
Since we moved in to our house (11 years ago this May) we have lived across the street of the cutest elderly couple in the world. Ronald and Louise Walker.
They welcomed us so kindly. They LOVED Grace from the minute they saw her, when she was three days old.
She has grown up knowing them as Grandma and Grandpa. Often we would go to their house, talk with them, take them bread, treats...whatever.
Grandpa would come over and bring us tomatoes, salsa and homemade zucchini bread.
As years went on, Grace would get permission to be able to climb their big tree in the front yard. Tye would fix things on the roof, screw in a few light bulbs so grandma or grandpa wouldnt have to get on a step ladder, or shovel their drive and sidewalk.
Then, grandpa got a riding mower so he didnt have to push his mower to mow his lawn.
Tye made a deal with him. Tye would mow grandpas lawn if Tye could use his mower to mow ours.
They shook on it.
(Tye would have mowed his lawn anyway, but he knew grandpa wouldnt let him without a trade)
Grace and I would go rake the front yard, clean up the fruit that fell on the ground and clean up the branches from the heavy winds the night before.
As time went on, I would get a little more concerned for them. They would travel from Mountain Green, Wyoming to Syracuse, Utah every other week or so. Its about a 2 hour drive. But they would do it in the winterest of winter days.
Grandmas health was getting worse. She had been suffering from MS for quite a few years.
She would spend her time inside. In the years before, she would sometimes venture out to the front porch and sit on the bench while grandpa would weed and Grace would climb the tree.
We didnt know their kids or grandkids. They all lived in Wyoming.
But, they knew us.
They knew of Grace, the "OTHER" grandchild in Syracuse.
On Saturday, Tye and I were heading to the funeral of our friends mother.
We pulled out of the drive and passed grandma and grandpas house. There were a few cars there. Tye mentioned that it made him nervous when a bunch of cars were there. I told him that I would get nervous when I would hear sirens, so I ALWAYS checked out the front to make sure they werent headed to grandmas and grandpas.
We both agreed how sad we would be when either of them passed.
Later that day I was at dinner with Grace and her friend. My phone rang with a number that I didnt recognize. I dont normally answer those calls, but I did this time.
I answered it, and it was the old bishop for the ward in our neighborhood. He introduced himself and then let me know that Grandpa asked him to call me. Grandma had passed away that morning.
I was stunned.
I had no idea that there had been issues to that degree.
She had, in fact, been ill and declining the last month. And rapidly the last 2 weeks.
She was having issues breathing on Friday and was in a bad way. So Grandpa took her to the hospital on Friday evening.
Saturday morning, she left.
I hung up with him, and Grace could tell something was wrong.
I let her know that grandma died.
She did her best to keep the tears back.
Then I called Tye. He was stunned and sad as well.
They decided to do a viewing in Syracuse on Tuesday, and the funeral in Wyoming on Thursday.
We had to support Grandpa. We would go to both.
We went to the church where the viewing was on Tuesday.
It was a typical viewing in a church. We waited in line to see Grandpa. We still had not had an opportunity to see or talk to him since grandma passed.
I watched as people in their 70's and 80's showed up, shook hands and had small talk.
I imagine that this stage in life, this really is a common thing that is just part of their lives. So, it makes sense that with that, it can be a little bit casual.
I noticed that nobody hugged grandpa.
There was alot of hand shaking. There was alot of small talk.
I watched as the person infront of me was bringing their small talk to an end, and waited to catch grandpas eye.
Caught it.
I took one step forward with my arms as wide open as they could go and wrapped them around him as if they could go around a dozen times.
Then he wept.
"Oh Alisa, my neighbor. My favorite neighbor. My kind, sweet neighbor. My FREIND."
We hugged tightly and both wept.
He pulled away and apologized for not calling us. saying "I just didnt know how to call you. I hesitated. I wasnt sure."
I assured him that it was ok.
He looked down at Grace who was glued to my side and smiled and said "Hi lovely Grace. Can I please...." and before he could ask, she had her arms wrapped tightly around him.
Tye then wrapped his arms around him and let him know how much he loves him.
And grandpa wept.
During my time of struggling through my value in friendships and almost feeling victimized by friendship, it showed itself in the purest form. And it was reflecting through my 83 year old neighbor.
I realized that friendship has many faces. It has many depths and you may think you know what YOUR friendship means or doesnt mean to someone.....but never assume it doesnt hold value.
And Megan....thank you for being my friend.
I got to reconnect with my special friend Megan on Wednesday night.
And it wasnt a moment too late.
I got to tell her things that hurt me deeply over the last little bit.
She was unbiased. She was wise and she was supportive.
As I have been struggling over the last few weeks and knowing I needed to bounce stuff off of someone, what kept coming back to me was "Megan, Megan, call Megan. Call Megan. Its Megan. Megan is your girl"
Megan was my girl.
I hope I added value to your night and life just as you did mine. I love you friend!
So, the best thing I can do is to be the friend that I want to have.
And so I am.
Alisa
