I'm not going to apologize this time for not blogging for so long.

Only because it seems that I apologize all the time.

Kinda like when you "love" everything, you "love" nothing.

If I apologize about the same thing all time, I really must not be sorry.

So I am not apologizing out of technicality.

That works.

I wish i had my camera with me, rather that in some random pocket of my husbands, as he is hunting. I wanted to post pictures of our Yellowstone trip.

It was grand!

I got some great pictures of Grace fly fishing for the first time. She LOVED it.

I also wanted to show you the little country cabin we stayed in while in Cooke City Montana. Cooke City is GORGEOUS! Such rugged country. I could post the pictures of all the bison we saw, but really, you see one buffalo, you've seen 'em all.....right?

I will save that post for sometime in October when I see my husband again.

(Hunting season)

So, I mentioned before that I started my 3rd(!!!) round of hell..er HCG. Maybe I didn't mention it.

Well, I did.

I was pumped. I knew that I could do it. The first time was such a success. The second time was, until I went to Oregon and put everything I saw in my mouth. YES! Everything!

"Hello Eggs benedict with crab on top"....in my mouth

"Hello anything sweet, salty, crunchy, gooey.."......in my mouth

"Hello pretzel on the floor of our rented cougar car (HHR)".....in my mouth

"Hello Pine smelling car freshener"...in my mouth

It was bad. Oh Lord, It was bad.

So, 3rd round. PUMPED! I can do this! My cousin was doing it with me. It always makes it easier for me when someone does it with me. Well, wait, not when my husband did it with me on my second round. No NOT EASIER. HARDER. PAINFUL!!! The protocol that we were following was stricter than a lot of them out there. No mixing veggies, and less veggies to choose from.

So he would ask "Can we have broccoli?"

Me:"No"

Husband:"Why?"

Me:"I don't know, it just says"

Husband:"So your just going to do what someone tells you to with out knowing why?"

Me:"Normally, NO. However, in this case, yes"

Husband:"Thats stupid we cant have broccoli. I don't understand why we cant have broccoli"

Me:"Go argue with the dead doctor if you want to then...GOSH!"

Never doing that with my husband again.

Anyway. A few things I learned this round:

1- Im stronger than I thought

2- I HATE CABBAGE! I thought we could reconcile from our nasty break up in round one. We tried it this time. Im sorry, but you just cant fake chemistry. It was awkward. It was uncomfortable. There will be no more cabbage for this girl.

3- It is possible to go out of town, and do HCG. It takes HOURS of prep and more control than anyone should ever have to muster up. I had to muster it up from every corner of my body. I drained it from my finger nails.

4- NEVER GO ON TRIPS WHILE ON HCG!!!! ( I went on two and never cheated)

5- Hcg has served me well. And it is time to bid farewell.

So, no, I didn't make it to 23 days. More like 18. I lost 12 lbs. Im cool with that. However, as I was on my last trip, I read The Eat Clean Diet Recharged by Tosca Reno. I have read her other book. And I really enjoyed this one. I enjoyed it so much! I was so inspired! I was so excited to get going on it. That is why I dumped HCG. Eating Clean is a lifestyle. Hcg is not. So I wanted to take advantage of my excitement to implement this right away.

Tosca talks about eating 6 times a day. This is not a new concept to most of us. However, I bet most of us don't do it. She talks about portions of protein, grains and complex carbs. She talks about how important all of those are. And, she says DONT COUNT CALORIES!! Holy scare the bejezus outta me!! Do you know how long I have been counting calories????? Its my wooby. It really is.

Oh yeah, and she tells you NOT TO WEIGHT YOURSELF?

WHHHHAAAAAA????? I am not familiar with the concept. I cant drop that cold turkey.

I cant.

I will weigh myself weekly. Then I will wean myself from that and weigh monthly. But, I am going to trust her on the calorie counting thing.

Since I AM on phase three of HCG. (This is where I have no sugar and no starches) I cant implement all of the foods she talks about. Ya know, most of the grains and some of the veggies. However, I am doing the rest of it.

Now, the gym is not a new concept to me either. In fact before Oregon, I was going almost every morning. but since Oregon, I just choose to let them take money out of my account on a monthly basis. Well, I went back this last week. I have a routine now though. That is what I was missing before. I go 3 days a week for now. I do 1/2 hour of cardio. (The elliptical) Then I do a half hour of strength training.

Mondays I work on my core.

Wednesdays I work my legs.

Fridays I work my upper body.

Then after every work out, I have a high protein smoothie to repair my muscle.

When building muscle, you do it as if your muscle is the new army recruit and you are the drill sergeant. You break it down, and then build it back up . That is what happens to your muscles when you work them. You are shredding them. That is why it is so important that you have a protein shake, or something of the sorts, after you work them out. That protein helps build them back up. That is why you are sore after a work out, Specifically strength training. So, sore is good. Just not debilitating sore.

Anywho, the reason why I am concentrating on strength training and not just cardio is that I want to flip metabolism.

Building muscle will get my metabolism working for me even more so (I would imagine its close to out of batteries right now) when I am not even working out. The more lean muscle mass you have, the better working metabolism you have.

So- I am diggin' this. It isn't a HUGE lifestyle change for me. Really, we eat pretty dang clean in my house. In fact, today, I am cleaning out my pantry. We RARELY eat out of cans and never out of boxes or bags. I will move all these things down to our food storage.

I am excited, because I will be able to use most of my pantry for storing other things for the kitchen that I seem to have run out of room for.

WAHOO!!

I am thinking that I will start another blog that is mainly about my eating and my working out.

I will see.

Obviously I have a hard enough time taking care of one blog. Why would I take on two?

Ya know how in high school for one of your classes they have you carry around a bag of flour and act like it is a baby for a week. This is a sorry attempt to get high school kids to have some sort of idea about how hard it is to be a parent.....TO A SACK OF FLOUR....??

Anyway, they should have that for people who are thinking of having blogs. Something to help you determine if you are adult enough, responsible enough and willing to put in the time to a blog.

Clearly I would have left my sack of flour on top of my car at least a dozen times by now.

I'll have to think about this.

Have some super days.

Alisa

Internet Squatting....

What you dont know (until now when I tell you) is that I am doing a dance.

A jig of sorts.

This is because WE HAVE INTERNET!!!

Geez Lu-eez, we havent had internet for MONTHS!

Judge if you want, but whatever internet we had, we stole. Well, graciously borrowed.

Someone around here had an open network. So when it worked we graciously said please and thank you. However, I think they stopped paying their bill.

HELLO! You have other internet addictions to feed...not just your own.

But, this is how we are paying "them" back....ours isnt locked. So, they can partake for a few months. I would gladly go tell them, but I have NO IDEA whose internet home we were squatting in. Time to make the universe balanced by sharing...right?

I hope that you dont think bad thoughts about us now.

We really are pretty good people.

Anyway, that is why I am doing a dance. And in order for me to keep up on whats going on in blogger-ville-ing-ton, I would have to lay in bed at night and read the posts. I would also have to post from my phone. It isnt hard, it just takes a long time and I already know that I need to work on my patience.

So, I very graphically threatened my sister in law Sara about getting me the rest of the pictures and video from Oregon. She ignored me.

I cant put on here how I threatened her. But trust me, I am surprised she didnt take out a restraining order on me.

Later she told me she would get them to me soon. So, when I get them, plan on either a mother of a post, or a gaggle of posts. With pictures.

Today is my first day of 500 calories on my third round of HCG. I think my head is in it this time. I am excited that in 40 days, I can undo all that I did in 6 months in the undoing of my 2nd round.

Did that just make you dizzy?

What that means is that in 6 months, I gained every pound back that I lost in my 2nd round. I know some will read this and think or say “See! HCG doesn’t work!!”

I beg to differ.

I didn’t work.

HCG did its job in the time frame that I did it. Hell, it did its job months after I stopped. I’m the dumb @$$ that decided to eat like crap!

Actually, I kept all of it off quite successfully up through May. May was the slippery slope. Well, Oregon was the slippery slope. I came back from Oregon, physically, feeling like crap. I ate badly for how I normally eat. I normally eat fresh, clean foods. In fact, I was talking to my sister last night, telling her that I don’t know why I even have a pantry. Well, at least a pantry that is stuffed to the gills with food that we don’t eat. We just don’t eat out of cans or boxes.

Anyway. I blame me for my weight gain. Blaming HCG for my weight gain is like blaming the Insulin when a diabetic has issues because they decided to eat sugar.

I know exactly where I went wrong. I stopped taking my lunch to work. AND, I stopped going to the gym. I guess in a sense, I got lazy. But man, I feel like I was ALWAYS running. Always having something that needs to get done. I am still super busy. But the part about HCG that I am looking forward to the most (other than the weight loss) is the structure.

In order for me to be successful with it, I MUST be structured. I have to be prepared and I have to be on a schedule. So, that will get me and my lard-o butt back on track.

Ok, so since I have working internet that I can be a proud owner of, I will post more often. I told my friend Jen that I will blog about the time that I got hit by a cyclist……in my PARKED car….. Let that simmer.

In the mean time, I have some Asparagus Curry Chicken soup waiting for me.

Catch ya on the flip flop

Alisa

Help a girl out suga......

So-
I am planning my return to Italy next year. I will be there in June for two weeks.
We will be in villages that are snuggled up against The Dolomites.

Here is a visual:


Super rough, huh? I know. But I am a trooper.

Anyway, every time I plan an adventure, I think "Oh, but we will so close to _________. Maybe we should try to fit in ___________." And it can turn crazy REALLY fast.
However, last time, we thought "Oh Man, we will be so close to Greece. We HAVE to go to Greece." So we did and it was great. You should check it out here. (But wait until you are done with this one. I need your help!)

This time is no exception.

So, this is the decision we are up against. Below are the three options of the other places we will be so close to.......

Austria

Or

Switzerland

OR...

Southern France



I'm really leaning towards Austria.

Help me out.

List of the Grateful-ness

Grateful-

*Hand blenders

*Almond milk

*Pink plastic party cups

*Flip flops

*Lagoon passes (because EVERY time we go, we have more fun than the time before)

*Old Navy

*My smart phone

*Zero Calorie Sobe Life water

*This American Life

*Scissors

*Pink toe nail polish with sparkles

*Alicia Unruh

*Pear and gorgonzola pizza at CPK

*Joran, my hair girl

*Candles

*Coconut flour

*Farmers markets

*Tye…..T-horse….Gus. He is pretty dang great. He loves me a lot. And he tells me a lot. J

*Massage Envy and the 5 hours of massage I have saved up

*The picture of a flower Tye painted for me that I have on my desk

*The snow flakes and pictures Grace made for me that I have on my wall in my office

*The Olive Bar at Smiths Market Place in Bountiful

(Im not gonna lie, its borderline inappropriate, this relationship I have with it)

* Cousin Emily

*MUSIC!!

***Brandi. When she sings anything really. But Super thankful for “Again Today” and the line “Im broken down, not good enough-my broken promises add up; they’re twice their weight in tears, which I have caused…”

***Katie Herzig and when she sings “I wanna wish you well” and the line in that song goes “I wanna smell your scent. I wanna breathe the air I did before, before you left….”

*** Ryan Adams- His version of Wonderwall is so….melty

* Park City and the huge lift that takes you to the top of the slide and the $50.00 it cost to do the slide and the coaster for me a Grace.

* Sara Boulter

*Spare Tires

*Knowing how to eat healthy

*Actually eating healthy

*Finishing my day snuggling Grace in my bed while watching The Simpsons and “Getting her zits”.

(Pinching her back)

Secret.....

I have a secret to tell.
Actually….not a secret. Calling it a secret makes me feel like it is something that I should be ashamed of. And I’m not.

No way.

In fact, I have told other people this. So, it isn’t a secret. It never was.
So, that secret part…..scratch that.

I am 34 with a husband and an 8 year old daughter and I full on peed my pants.
No lie. 100% flood gates opened, peed until there was not more pee to release, peed my pants.

Want the story?

Here it is.

My family and I went up to Island Park, ID for the 4th of July weekend.
Tye’s family has a cabin up there on the lake and when we get invited, we really like to go. Plus, we had just purchased our camping trailer and wanted to break it in.

On Saturday, the rest of the family and Grace went out on the boat. So, Tye and I decided to shoot our bows. We loaded them in the truck with the target and headed out to find a meadow. We found a perfect spot just off a small dirt road.

Here’s where it all started to go….er get wet….

I think that as soon as my feet touched the ground, it triggered the beginning of some sort of bladder betrayal sensory connector in my body. For real, my feet touched the ground from getting out of the truck and I just went “Holy Cow, I have to pee….NOW”

****This is where some might say “If you aren’t interested in the details that I will be divulging below, skip to the next paragraph”. Well, not me. This is where I will say….If you aren’t interested in the details that I will be divulging below, you may want to stop reading my blog all together….*****

Play by play of Operation Bladder Betrayal-

Get out of the truck
HOLY MOTHER OF ALL THAT CONNECTS TO BODILY FUNCTIONS!!
MUST. PEE. NOW.!
Run over to the other side of the truck, in front of Tye’s open door.
Pants down.
Get in “position”.
Pee….
Tye yells “OH SHOOT!.....”.

Ok, at this point, for 1/8th of a millisecond, I thought that there was a rattlesnake by my butt. Don’t worry, there wasnt.

“What??” I say
Tye- “Here come people towards us…”
Sure enough, I didn’t plan on people coming TOWARDS us.
So, Tye jumps in front of me. Seriously though, they have already seen me in peeing position and peeing.
He yells “Hurry, STOP PEEING…GET UP!!”

HUH?!?!

Ok, tell me, who the hell can stop peeing after they have started? And not just a “tinkle” started, but “the flood gates have opened, release the contents” kind of started. Well, apparently, not me. I cant stop. Its as if my bladder has a mind of its own and it has been waiting for the perfect time to betray me. Or, as if it is not even a part of me at all. Totally independent of me and my body. No. It was more like I wanted someone across the world, in another country....say Laos, to stop peeing. I had no say in it.
Makes no sense, right?

So, there I am, pants up, pee still coming out of me. I gave up. I just accepted that pee was coming out of me at a very high rate and no matter what I (or Tye) thought I should be able to do about it, there was nothing that I could actually do about it. So I embraced it. I wouldn’t say that I actually preferred it. However, once I surrendered, it didn’t suck.

By this time, the riders on the ATVs have seen the show and they were on their way to tell all their family and friends and most likely Facebook about. Im sure someone has it on their blog as well. Well, mystery ATV-ers, you are welcome for the content.

So, Tye turns to me and says “You really peed your pants?” …….I look at him with a look that is somewhere between *Did I suddenly start talking in tongues and you didn’t understand me??* and *If that wasn’t you standing next to me while I peed my pants…WHO WAS IT??”

“YES!” I answer as I slap the back of my wet leg to demonstrate how wet my pants were.
“I look like a just sat in a river…..” I tell him. He looks at me, opens his door and gets something. He hands this “something” to me. It’s a (as in ONE) folded napkin………….

I look at him and say “I don’t need to blow my nose….”
He says “Put it in your underwear, it’ll soak up the pee.”
Really, he thought this was a good idea.

I look at him and say: “Tye, I love you. I really do. You know this. We have been married for 12 years. And maybe you have ever doubted my love for you. Hell, I have ever doubted my love for you. But not on this day. No. On this day I am clear about my love for you. However, right now I am doubting your ability to understand that I JUST PEED MY PANTS!!! I DIDN’T DO AN ACCIDENTAL TINCKLE LIKE I DO WHEN I SNEEZE!!! (Don’t act like you don’t know what I am talking about ladies) Thanks, but this will just melt in my pants and become part of the
wet- mess.”

Most of you, well actually, most PEOPLE, would head back to the cabin at this point.
But really, what would be the point? I would have to figure out how to sit in the truck as to not get the seat wet with my peed-ness. I guess I could have sat in the bed of the truck. Just like our dogs….that pee whenever and where ever they want.

But, I REALLY wanted to shoot my bow. So, I made the decision. No, we will not leave. We will stay and shoot our bows. There was a nice breeze out. I was wearing thin yoga pants. They would dry. They were black, so you couldn’t even tell that I had peed….kinda. So that is what we did. We stayed for about an hour and a half, my pants dried, I shot like crap-ish, lost an arrow and made a memory.

Adult incontinence mishap- 2.

With many more to come…I am positive.

Back in the day... say 1990's, there was an "Apology Line".
It was set up by a very compassionate man named Allan Bridge. Forgiveness was a very important concept and way of life for this man.
He knew that EVERYONE felt sorrow. Even the hardest of criminals that seemed to have no respect for life. Particularly their own.
Mostly, he knew the value in expressing sorrow.

It isn't easy to express sorrow to those that you have hurt.
So, this phone line was set up so those that felt the sorrow, but could not express it to the ones they hurt, could express their sorrow and apologize. All calls, though anonymous, were recorded.
Some might think that is a cowards way out.
Maybe.
But, I think that it was something that he saw as a necessity and was of value. And he moved on it.

I listened to a piece done through NPR called This American Life.
Perhaps you have heard of it.
The program was about Apologies.
It is powerful.

There were 3 different stories in this program. And Allan's was one of them.

One man was sorry for his terrorist acts, riots, fires and bombs that he was responsible for.

Another man was sorry for the abuse he put his elderly and bed-ridden mother through. She was on social security and could not take care of herself. He too, though not elderly and bed-ridden, could not take care of himself. However, this was due to the poor choices he had made in his life.
He needed money.
She needed food and water.
So the bartering began.
She is thirsty and needs a glass of water. Sure. No problem. $5.00
She is hungry and needs a sandwich. Sure. No problem. $10.00
Of coarse, after time, she passes.
And he is left here. Some years later, the sorrow is right where he left it. However, she is not here to apologize to.
The Apology line seems to be his only outlet.

Another man calls.
He is apologizing to his parents and his infant sister.
You see, he killed her.
He was only a child. But he killed her.
He wrapped a plastic bag around her head. She gasped for air. She then turned blue. Then she was still. He was only curious as to what might happen.
With a blue, lifeless child in front of him, he hid the bag and said nothing.
His parents found his sister, dead in her crib.
Autopsy: SIDS

He has NEVER told ANYONE (other than his therapist) what he has carried around his entire life. He, so badly, has wanted to apologize. But how do you do this, years later? How do you tell your parents that their baby didn't "just die"?
How do you tell them that it was because of your doing? Plain and Simple. No other reasons.
Well, he didnt. However, because of this phone line, he was able to voice his sorrow and give it some air. Still, wishing so badly that somehow, his parents were on the other end of the line listening to his confession. His Sorrow. His apology.
But, they werent.

EVERYONE carries sorrow.
What an amazing person Allan Bridge was to recognize this enough and to honor where it lived in him enough, to set up a means for others to express their sorrow. To apologize.


As it seems in most stories like these, there is some irony.

Allan Bridge was active in boating and SCUBA diving. In August of 1995, he was struck by a Jet Skier as he surfaced from diving, and was killed.
The Jet Skier circled around his body once, and then took off.
No one knows who accidentally killed Allan Bridge, the man who believed so deeply in not only apologizing, but forgiveness.

After his death, the Apology Line was shut down. Unfortunately, before the anonymous jet skier, that took Allen Bridges life could make an anonymous call to apologize.



On Saturday night, we received word that my husbands cousin was involved in a very serious auto/pedestrian accident. She was the pedestrian. She was hit by a car, who did not see her, at a rate of 45 miles per hour. She very easily could have been killed. Or worse, sent to a vegetable state.
However, she will be fine. She has some serious injuries and has been in ICU since Saturday, but she will recover.
On Sunday, the driver of the car, his wife and their baby came to see her at the hospital. They apologized. How healing this must have been for Allerie. But probably more so for the driver andhis family.

Embrace your sorrow. Voice it. Dont keep it to yourself.

Apologize.



Alisa

Measuring Time. One Year.

How do you measure time?

Sure, we have calendars and we have clocks.

But how can you REALLY measure time?

For instance, how does one REALLY measure the time span of one year?

At birthdays, or holidays in the past, I would reflect and think “WOW, one year has gone by fast…..and I can hardly think of what has happened in between.”

But this last year, it was measured very differently.

Its one thing to measure time by dates, events and deadlines - but to measure time in such a way that it is compared to how long someone has been gone from your life…..very different.

Today is the day that marks 1 full year with out my brother Brian. He is my brother. He always will be.

It truly is amazing to me how I quantify this last year. I find myself wondering how the last 365 days have past. Yet, they have.

There have been things that have happened since Brian’s death that have had a profound impact on my life. Just as Brian’s death did.

Old relationship....just doing it different now:

There was a relationship that I decided I HAD to fix. A relationship that was actually HARDER to do damaged, than it was to do it fixed. You know how they say it takes more face muscles to frown than it does to smile. Parallel that to a relationship and that is what I was doing. Stupid. So, I fixed what I was doing with it, and now I have someone in my life that I trust and love and most of all, laugh with! Thank you Brian.

New life….

Brian died June 9, 2009. 3 months later on September 9, 2009, his brother Paul Cardall received his long awaited, desperately needed, everyday prayed for, new heart.

I have had people close in my life leave this earth. Both young and old. Both a relief and a tragedy. This is my truth; I don’t know what happens after we leave this earth. But I DO know that though it seems that they have left us, we have not left them. They stay close. Brian is close. And I do believe that Brian worked hard to make sure his brother was able to continue living. I know that Paul’s life was one of the most important things to Brian. How proud Brian must have been when he knew Paul was getting an opportunity at a New Life. Thank you Brian.

September 16^th, 2009

Such an emotional day.

A day that we had all been waiting for. Even if it was while holding our breath.

Bella Aspen Cardall was going to join us. I was elated! I was also very somber.

Some may think, “What a tragedy for Bella not to know her Daddy.” And yes, I understand where that comes from. I have felt the same way at times. But again, this is MY truth; she got some serious one on one time with him for 3 months. Because I know that person that he is, and I know his heart, I know that he took very good care of her. He sent her here with a gift. If you have not ever met Bella, I hope one day you might. She is a wise old soul in a baby’s body.

She is a feeler. She connects. She doesn’t feel like a baby. She is here to watch over her mom and sister. She is such a blessing.

I remember the day that she was born. Anna was simply amazing. It was such an honor for me to be in there with her as Brian handed her off to us to take care of. When she entered this world, there was such a feeling of joy, excitement, but a very reverent peace as well. Thank you Brian.

New Family and new relationships:

I LOVE Brian’s family. The Cardalls are simply AMAZING people. All of them. And where as I may know some of them better than others, I truly feel that they are my family.

You know, I really felt like I lived consciously before Brian died. But what I know now, is that I live more consciously now. And I also know that I still have more conscious living to do. Brians death taught me that.

Since Brian’s death, I feel that I have learned, but also continue to learn how, to be with my relationships. Both with my family, and those that I am not technically related to. There are people that have been in my life that I have created better relationships with. People that have been on the side lines of my life, just waiting for my signal, I have created new relationships with. As well as others that I have found in my life, seemingly on accident, but I know that it is no accident. People that I recognize and honor the connection that we have. People that will always be, in my world, my family. I hope you know who you are.

I have learned that I always want to tell the people that I love, that I love them. Why would I want to assume that they know it? It’s my job to tell them. And, even if they all did know it, why would I not just want to say it? Its easy. And it feels good. Thank you Brian.

THE Relationship:

Who doesn’t want a good marriage? Who gets married to have a miserable marriage?

Well, it seems to be more important than ever to me to have the best marriage that I can. And I think my husband feels the same. I don’t know that it is all because of Brian’s death. But it sure has a lot to do with everything else mentioned above. So, I guess Brian’s death has something to do with that. In addition to that, my desire and consciousness to be a better mom is constantly at the surface. Even though I know I fail many times daily.

I really don’t know if it took Brian’s death for me to learn these lessons. I would like to think that I was/am still capable of learning these lessons and the value in them without losing someone that I love.

But the truth is, we will all go through the pain of losing someone we love. Numerous times. It will happen over and over again. I am doing my best to live my life as such, that when I feel the pain of losing someone again, it is not accompanied with the pain of regret.

Today many people that love Brian will honor him in climbing Mt Olympus. Later, we get to see his infectious smile and authentic laugh, as we watch home videos. Brian, I love you. I miss you daily. I am so grateful for the lessons you continue to teach me. I am so grateful for the man you are. I am so grateful for the father you continue to be to your girls. And the husband you are to Anna.

I promise to live my life in such a manner that I have minimal regrets, and maximum love. We will continue on our daily lives. Fully aware and reminded that you are physically not here, but quietly thankful for the times we are reminded that you are in fact, not gone.

Cheers to you.

Alisa