Luv.

I love love. 

I really do. 

I'm cautious with it. 

I'm cautious with the words I use about love. 

I catch myself giving people just a taste. 

Just enough to wonder. 

I'm not making sense, am I.
 (It's a statement, not a question) 

I think I mean this- 

Love is vulnerable. 

For real.

 Like-real, authentic, put a pin in it, can feel where it has taken up residency in you, vulnerable . 

There is a lot at stake with love.....
Is there? 

I tell myself there is.

All I can really know is how I feel.
 Forget about really knowing how the other person feels. 

Regardless if they tell me. 

So, it gets protected. 

I can't turn love on or off. 

I can't GIVE love.
Like its a book.
Or a pair if earrings. 

 I can't take it away either.

 It just IS.

However, what I protect are my words that express my "love". 

They range and vary in depth and meaning. 

I tend to keep it light.
Fluffy.
 It could belong to just about anyone. 

"Love your guts"
"Luv U"

Even, "Love You". 

I'm holding back. 

But, I can protect it with the lightness of the words. 

I love you. 

I love you. 

I love you. 

Love your guts-
The throw from the back of the love seat.

I love you -
Big down comforter, hand made by MawMaw and still smells like her home made cobbler. 

See? 

Three things:

-I'm trying on "I love you" when it is really the truth. 

-When it is the truth, and I tell you "I love you", I hope you feel me wrapping a big, soft, fluffy comforter around you.

-I love that I love some so deeply that words are futile. 

They know themselves as the "Top 5".

~a

What I know.

What I know

*Smile. It's important.

*Fighting reality is hard work.

*Everyone wants the chance to be good.

*Traveling gets you closer to knowing yourself.

*Try new foods. The worst that can happen is you'll look like a child spitting it out.

*The more chances you give someone, the bigger the chance they'll do better.

*Drink water.

*Looking people in the eyes when you talk to them makes it a real conversation.

*Your soul mate isn't always your spouse.

*Music is a necessity.

*A day spent in bed is required. (alone or with company)

*Your body is amazing.

*Texting is abused.

*Not everyone matches.

*Facebook is a form of evil.

*Pictures are worth much more than a thousand words. And dollars.

*Give yourself a break. Everyone else does.

*Being a martyr is manipulation. Put your cross down.

*Your white knuckle grip is futile against what is.

*Vitamin D is more like a hormone.

*Kissing is a must.

*An apple a day may keep the doctor away.... try it with avocado and kale.

*Have a date with your lover, every week. Even if it's watching your show in bed on Sunday night with dark chocolate.

*Sex is very important to your health. I promise.

*Chill out.

*The only person I want to be better than, is the person I was yesterday.

*Everything will be OK in the end. If it's not ok, it's not the end.

*Know your value so you don't undervalue yourself. Or over value yourself.

*Get good with the worst case scenario.

*The best money spent will be on music.

*Anxiety usually comes from self betrayal.

*There's always an exception.

*You would never talk to anyone the way you talk to yourself. Knock it off. I will too.

*Be really really good at at least one thing.

*Your body wants to move. Promise.

*The clarity that can come from a long, lone drive can be life changing.

*My hugs are addicting.

*The natural smell of a baby's head is sacred and reverent. That's why it can't be duplicated in a candle.

*The stupid, icky stuff still has to be done

*You do you, and I'll do me.

-a

One.

One.

If there ever was a child made so specifically and perfectly for a mom, my one is that for me.

One.

As far as numbers go, it’s the smallest. Anything lower is, well, not a number.

One.

For some, the idea of one, equals less.

Perhaps even a lack of abundance.

One.

For some, not enough.

For some, sorrow.

Not for me.

One makes me the richest person there ever was.

One over flows.

One embodies perfection.

One teaches me more than thousands have.

The words to describe my one? 

They are endless.

I’m a mother of one.

My body put me in my place.

I.

Am.

Grateful. 

I worked on this all night

I'm not one of those women that wake up, roll out of bed, throw something on, put a *pretty in my hair and have it actually pass for "ready for the day".
Oh, how I wish I could.
As you can see, my hair prohibits that.
This is what I look like when I wake up. And based off the picture, can you even imagine what my breath smells like?
Well, I get the pleasure of tasting it.

Sorry. TMI?

And, I have no idea what I did to my chin last night.
See the big dried blood mark? I have blood all over my hands.

I can't even imagine the stuff I might do if I took Ambien.

Hopefully my bedhead doesn't scare you away.

Happy Saturday!

* a pretty is what we call anything that can be
used to put up a ponytail, or of the like.


~a

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walk-in closet

I need to broaden my music pallet.
Let me tell you what I DONT like to listen to.

Daughtry (Sorry Xazmin)
Nickel Back
Rihanna
Nicky Minaj (i dont even care if thats not how I spell it)

I dont mind country. I used to listen to it a lot when I was in high school and then when I was in college. At Snow. In Ephraim.
For those of you that are not familiar with Snow College or Ephraim, just know this: Turkey Farms.
So, Country music is Ok. But, I have yet to find a country artist or song that I will want to listen to over and over and over.
However, I do believe that as far as the music industry goes, the nicest people are Country Music Artists.

Rant over.

I rarely listen to the radio. I HATE it.
I like to listen to little golden nuggets of "never heard before" music stylings.

So, maybe you are thinking, "Get to the point Alisa. Other than Brandi, who DO you like?"
I know that I could be mistaken for the creepy fan that knows everything from:
* where the stalking victim was born,
*to their blood type,
*to when she shuts her blinds.....

Maple Valley AB negative 7:00. After she has walked her dog.


Oh, knock it off! I'm not serious.

.....


Anyway. So, I like singer/song writer. I like depth in the music. I like it to be REAL music. No keyboards with "weeky weeky, bsht bsht, shicka shicka" fake sounds.

So, here is who I like: (in no particular order, other than the first one. Duh.)

*Brandi Carlile
*The Middle East
*Bon Iver (For those who say Bawn Eye-ver, just some clarification; its Bone I-vear)
*Acorn
*Foster The People (They are the most "weeky weeky, bsht bsht, shicka shicka" I get in my daily music)
*Florence + The Machine
*Ivan and Alyosha
*Mumford & Sons (I was listening to them before it was cool to)
*Ryan Adams

On occasion, I will listen to:
*Phoenix
*LCD Soundsystem
*KT Tunstall
*Civil Twilight
*Spoon


I think that is it. Well, I listen to more. And I like more, but I cant think of who or what.
See?
My musical wardrobe needs to expand and I need to need a walk in closet for it.

Any help? Who wants to help me and be my musical ambassador?
I had a musical ambassador at one point, but I think he quit.
He's been a "no call-no show" for a few months now.

Who do you LOVE to listen to? Over and over and over again.
And then again.

Then once more for the love of it.
Who is it?


Tell me. Right. Now.


~a

oh, and thank you. where are my manners....?

reason

Im laying here in my bed. In the dark. With Grace in my arms.

I cant think of anything more authentic, pure, natural, comforting, painful.........eternal, than a mothers love.
Than my love for her.

Loving her is what all of me is made of.
She is the reason my lungs expand with air.
She is the reason blood flows through my body.
She is what l feel when I feel. Anything.

She is the reason for everything.

mortar

Interesting.
Earlier today I thought about the words we say to those we love, when we feel (or even know), we wont get the chance to say them again.
A loved one is leaving. Perhaps to serve our country, their religion, or to serve their heart. We fear that we may not have the option to look in their eyes again. Feel their breath again. Touch them again. The fear is real and justified.
Even so, a loved one on tail end of their journey here on earth.
We think and say all the things we have never said or always said but couldn't possibly say enough.
None of the hurtful things about the relationship matter. And why would they?

So, why are these things so much more important, when we feel this time...is the last?
Or should I say...I.

Again, interesting.
A few hours later I got a text from one of the most important people in my life. I was asked kindly to tell this person the good things about them.
This person was hurting and needed to offset the icky things they were telling them selves.
Everything I told this person was absolutely what I felt about them.
But, I really did assume they knew that I felt these thing for them.
However, I cant think of the last time I told them.

Then, I read THIS post from a blog I follow. (I recommend you do too. Her girls remind me of my nieces)


Her close friends dad passed today. She writes about a few of her memories.
From what I gather, it was unexpected.

All those words I imagine his family wanted to say to him. I am not sure if the opportunity was provided.

But I know this.
Now is the perfect opportunity.
It doesn't need to be the deepest thing you've said. Or felt.
But, maybe if we allow the good stuff to float to the top, and the bothersome be camouflaged in between it all, and say what we see........ well, it wont take away the need to say it when we fear we wont have another chance.

I think.that everytime we say what we feel, it can serve as mortar. Not just glue, but the strong material that bonds the relationship. Everytime it leaves our hearts, travels to our lips and is given to our loved one; its one more layer of mortar.


~a

if i worked at a restaurant, id be fired.
the time between appetizer and portion of main course is unforgivable. (this is part of the main course...get it?)

so, I'm fat.
if you didn't know that, its true.
im not being all down on myself, this is pertinent to the post.
though, im not as fat as I used to be.

so, as a fat person, I get mostly frustrated with fat fashion.
does the word "fat"make you're uncomfortable? k, ill say plus.
anyway, plus fashion is frustrating.
Soooooooooooo frustrating.

I like to think that I have some sort of idea about fashion and what looks good.
What i DO know, is what DOESN'T look good.

Im sorry if the next few rants offend someone. these are just MY thoughts and they are in no way attached to anyone in particular.

im sure there are people out there that would say "if you don't like plus sized clothes options.....get your body un-plus sized"

derp....and duh.
and, shut your know-it-all, judgmental pie hole... *mmmmmmm....pie.......* (see the humor in that?)
im trying not to be convinced that the people who design clothes for us plus goddesses are mean bitches that are a size 2* when they are bloated, and they are trying to teach us a lesson. you know, punish us.

now, I know this isnt true, but, based off the options out there, its as if these words are being said as the clothes are being conceptualized, and/or made.....
"fat.....er plus sized ladies should love disney characters on their denim shirts....right? I mean, doc and sneezy are cute when they are giving a 'thumbs up' on the chest pocket....right?"
or....
"plus women have a lot on their body they want to hide....so, lets use LOTS of floral. you know, the kind that looks like it smells like bengay, denture glue and green onions."
and quite possibly.....
"aren't plus women just glad to find something that fits? lets put a collar on this shapeless tent and call it a polo. even better, lets put buttons down this mumu and call it a henley ".

listen, I know no one is out to get me. am I my ideal body size? no.
if there is blame to be had regarding my body, does it belong go anyone else? no.

however, I will not apologize for just wanting to have cute, affordable and comfortable clothes to wear.
oh..and who in-thee-hell decided that only females with slender calves should get to wear zip up boots?!!!
THIS IS WHAT IM TALKING ABOUT!
can some one tell my why the clothes I see in sizes 9-12 cant be made in sizes 14-32?
yup, more material. i get it.
i will pay you more.

maybe I ask too much. but, i don't think so.

so, who is going to help me start a clothing line for plus sized goddesses?

~a

*i am not saying skinny women are bitches. being skinny, fat, white, black, smart or stupid, doesn't make one a bitch.
but there are many bitches that happen to be skinny, fat, white, black, smart or stupid.

the appetizer

guys!
i haven't blogged since JULY!
oh. my. mona.
i have done a lot over the last 6 months.
Colorado, Seattle, Nashville and California, losts of concerts, drinks with the band, online schooling, 2 weeks without grace, last minute Xmas for 2 families, tubbing, brandi, brandi, brandi, brandi,brandi,brandi, beach and disneyland!
you bet I have to start with brandi.
guys, i saw brandi 6 times last year!
that right there, makes 2011 the best year ever!
husband sent me and sister in law Sara to vegas to see brandi in may for mothers day.
then, she came with ray lamontagne in july.
then me, sister in law Sara, sister Erin, and friends lindsay, angie, cheryl, nicole and Joni went to aspen to see her in August. Sister Erin *thought* she bought her tickets and had them at will call. however, upon further investigation, it was proven that she had not, in fact, purchased a ticket to the sold out show.
enter my God given gift of gab.
option one....and only.
find a band member, tell them story....hope to buy one of their guest list tickets.
even better? sister erin gets on the bands guest list.
no lie.
then we hauled butt home to slc to see her and I&A the next day.
then husband took me to nashville to see her.....TWICE!
once at the ryman theater, then we saw her debut at the grand ole opry.
i was so proud of her.
it was great to be there when husband got to meet her.
6 times!

k, so, my next few posts will be random time frames.
i may talk about August, then December, then october etc....you get it, right?

there will be funny, lame, feel good, random, and.....I may tell on myself. actually, i will tell on myself.


Bubye dears


~a

Buying Ice for a Stranger

Giving and Receiving and how receiving is giving and giving is receiving. And now I am dizzy and need a Dramamine.....

I "ran" to the grocery store to get "some" items.

***Saying "ran" may give you the idea that I do this in a quick and efficient manner. HA! There will be no more hunger in the world, no such thing as spiders, calories will be something you cant ever have enough of and the world will most likely implode on the day THAT happens. On that same said day, I will only get "some" items as well. So, according to *this* (me) Nostradamus and the reality of that EVER happening......breathe easy kids. The world isn't ending anytime soon....***

Back to the subject.

Grocery store...

Run in....

Some things....

Riiiight....

I'm at the check out counter. The people in front of me had 2 carts FULL of items. (If they are like me, their intention was only to get garbage bags and brussel sprouts)

I didn't mind being behind them and waiting for a while in line. This is when I actually breathe. This is when I can relax. Grace was playing with friends, Tye was at a meeting and I was in line at the grocery store...breathing.

After the couple in front of me was done, the checker started scanning my stuff.

Now, I didn't have 2 carts full of items. I didn't even have a full cart. But, i had A LOT of fresh veggies and fruit and that can take a bit of time to ring up. There was a line behind me, and the checker was only about half way through my stuff, when the people who were in front of me came back and asked "did you ring me up for the ice?"

The checker hadn't charged them for ice. He said to him "I'm sorry, I didn't. Let me finish with this line first and I can."

Now, honestly, on most days, if a checker had told me that, I would have been a bit put out. I wouldn't say anything "mean", but I may not have been all sorts of cheery.

But, this customer was fine with it and he was willing to wait.

That's when my "me" ping-ed me.

Without thinking, I said to the checker "Just ring me up for it".

The checker looks at me and says "What? you wanna pay for it?"

"Yes" I said.

The customer who needed the ice said "What? No. You don't need to do that."

"I know that I don't NEED to do it. If I felt that I NEEDED to do it, I may not want to. I WANT to do it. Get your ice and go. Get outta here. I looks like you are going somewhere fun." This instruction came from a pure, authentic and authoritative place.

So, then the checker gets all nervous and starts making these moaning sounds. Like "ohhhh....uhhhh....hmmmmm....eeeerrrrr..."

I said " Are you OK?"

He said "Oh man, I don't know if I feel comfortable about having you pay for their Ice....It feels....weird..."

"YOU feel weird about ME paying for THEIR ice....?" I asked.

"Yeah" He said.

"Well", I started "Here is the good news. Its not up to you. :) Now, ring it up so he can take it and go..."

That's when the guy that I was buying the ice for chimed in saying, " Really ma'am, you don't need to do this."

I turned to him and said "Didn't i tell you to get to gettin at what you were gettin to? Listen, I want to buy your ice. It isn't because I don't think y0u can afford it, or because you aren't patient enough to wait in this line again. I just simply want to. So, could you please take your ice with a smile, enjoy what you are going to go do and do something nice for another stranger soon?"

"Yes" he replies. "And Thank you"

I responded with "You are welcome, and thank you".

Now, the checker was still SUPER nervous. He was still ringing up my things and I said to him "why did that make you so nervous?"

This is what he says- "I don't know. People aren't just nice like that. You are just really nice."

As soon as the last word left his mouth, I said- "Not True!"

That startled him.

I said "Everyone is 'nice'. Every single person. YOU are 'nice'. Wanna know how I know? Because you recognized it in me. Everyone can be 'nice'. But, try letting others be 'nice'. THAT is the gift."

He shook his head and just said "ok" and finished ringing me up.

Try it.

For real.

Do something nice for a complete and total stranger.

You'll notice something.

You will notice that there is something familiar in the person you are doing something nice for.

Like...a reflection.

Perhaps a reflection of humanity.

You know when you are in between two mirrors facing each other? And you see your reflection on and on with no end.

Yeah, buying ice for a stranger is like that.

Alisa

Grateful

I surely dont say it enough.

Though, I do think it.

So, Im puttin it out there-

*The wisdom of a 9 year old

*13 years of marriage

*Making it to 35. (It always seemed soooooooooo old, right?)

*My job

*My creativity

*Really grounded, smart, open minded, Loving friends

*Tattoos

*Hulu and Kitchen Nightmares (For reals guys. I am ADDICTED to Chef Ramsay)

* Water

*Faga Yogurt

* The opportunity to go to the gym when ever I want, even tho I rarely do

* Laundry detergent. Serious, how did clothes get clean before? I mean, I could do it with one of those pioneer silver bumpy things if I had detergent. But, I cant clean my clothes WITH a washer if there's no detergent. Think about it.

*Fresh eggs when ever I want

*Whole Foods

*Tooth brush

*Tinker Bell and Her friends (Ima believer)

*FIREFLYS!!!!

*Sisters

*Brothers

*all of their kids

*A good fitting bra (only a few of you may understand what kind of engineering goes into keeping these puppies off the ground. Or getting stuck in my knees)

* Dreams

*Money in my bank account

*Growing up ( a little bit)

* Grace

* The idea that I may read a book, so at least I get the pleasure of buying it......

* Internet

* Olive Leaf Extract

Toodles

Alisa

I love it when I listen to me.

I love the perfect little surprises that I get when I do.

The fun little verifications that is an "I toldja so" that I like to hear.

Cuz its from me.

Today I got home from work and was deciding what to make for dinner.

I decided on Elk stroganoff.

As I was cooking it, Grace asked if she could go play.

I told her she could, but she had to be home by 7.

Well, stroganoff doesn't take as long as I thought.

There, I was looking a the clock, and it was 6:40. But dinner was ready.

I didn't want to keep it on the stove. I wanted to just get it eaten.

I thought to myself "I should just call her in and let her know that she can eat, then go finish playing."

Then I thought "no....shes only been able to play for 15 minutes. This can sit on the stove an keep warm...."

Then again, "No, call her in now. Its time to eat now."

So, that is what I did.

I went outside, and she was playing with some friends a few houses down.

I called to her "Grace, come eat..."

She didn't hear.

Then I saw Grandpa walking back from his mailbox, back into his house.

Without thinking I yelled "Grandpa...wait"

He turned around, I ran across the street and asked "Have you eaten yet Grandpa?"

He looked at me with a smile on his face and said "Why no, I was just wondering to myself what I should make."

I smiled back and said,"Well, we would love to have you for dinner. If you would like Elk stroganoff, green beans and garlic bread."

His smile increased as he answered "Alisa, that sounds lovely! Let me put my mail away and I will be right over."

We had such a great dinner.

This is the second time he has been over for dinner. I didn't blog about the other time.

I couldn't put it into words. It left me very emotional.

But, as I mentioned, this time was great.

We ate and talked and Tye and I listened to his stories.

He has a lot of really great stories.

Had I not decided to call Grace in early, I would not have seen Grandpa and invited him for dinner. Sure, I could have knocked on his door, but this was about me listening and following to allow perfect timing to happen.

More than the joy I could see from Grandpa, I could feel it from him.

It was tangible.

It was time for him to go home, but I made sure he was sent home with the left overs.

At least he wont have to think about what to make for lunch tomorrow.

I love Grandpa. He makes me happy.

I love when I listen to myself.

It makes me happy.

Alisa

I can almost taste it.

Ok. Its time.

I need something. I need to use the good parts of me.

I mean, REALLY use them.

Im supposed to do more.

Im supposed to be a part of many peoples lives. Kids lives. All over the world.

Im supposed to be financially secure. REALLY secure. So secure, that I can assist others security.

Im supposed to be my own boss, but work for others. Serve others.

Im supposed to be able to show my girl the world.

She isn't supposed to learn about the rest of the world out side of itty bitty Syracuse, Utah through the internet.

She's supposed to experience it. She's supposed to experience it with me.

We're supposed to sprinkle fairy dust around the world.

K, so, now I gotta figure out what it is that I'm supposed to do to get us there. To get us everywhere.

I think that it involves writing.

Maybe even writing with her.

Yeah. Its time.

-A

Valuable Currency

Im feelin it.
Blogging time.
Im sorry that I have been away for so long. :(
I hope I am apologizing to someone. I hope I still a have a reader or two.

So, I have been....not me....lately.
I have been in a funk. A funky funk funk.

I believe that what ever is going on outside of you, is a mirror as to what you are putting out into the world.
So, when I start seeing, feeling and watching things swirl around me in my life that I dont like, I need to stop and think what I am (or am NOT) putting out there as well.

Are you dizzy? Did that even make a lick of sense?

Well, anyway, one thing that I have been "struggling" with is expectation of friendship and what that looks like.
Friendship has always been something that has been a struggle for me.

I hated Jr. High because it was an awkward time for friendships for me.
Jr. High just hurt for the most part.

In high school, I had friends. I had one or two close friends. But I wasnt busy on the weekend. Not even close.

I have a hard time expanding my friend-ness. It is a very vulnerable thing for me.

However, I am lucky. I have chosen really good people to be my friends in my adult years. Even a few from my Jr. high and High School years are still my friends. Even if we never "see" each other.

However, of the times that I have been hurt most in my life, it has not been by boys, siblings or parents. It has been by friends.

Right now, Im learning lessons in friendship. Mostly about how I do them. And how I hurt me with them. And, I am learning that there are many on the outside of "my circle" that are just waiting for my signal. My invitation.
I am learning that the more I let people in, the greater risk there is for hurt, and of coarse, the greater risk there is for reward.
I am also learning that it isnt the end of a friendship when I get hurt.
Ok, I have never thought it was the end of a friendship when I get hurt. BUT I will create space while I find another safe place and lick my wounds.

My best lesson about friendship was on Tuesday this week.

Back story-
Since we moved in to our house (11 years ago this May) we have lived across the street of the cutest elderly couple in the world. Ronald and Louise Walker.
They welcomed us so kindly. They LOVED Grace from the minute they saw her, when she was three days old.
She has grown up knowing them as Grandma and Grandpa. Often we would go to their house, talk with them, take them bread, treats...whatever.
Grandpa would come over and bring us tomatoes, salsa and homemade zucchini bread.
As years went on, Grace would get permission to be able to climb their big tree in the front yard. Tye would fix things on the roof, screw in a few light bulbs so grandma or grandpa wouldnt have to get on a step ladder, or shovel their drive and sidewalk.

Then, grandpa got a riding mower so he didnt have to push his mower to mow his lawn.
Tye made a deal with him. Tye would mow grandpas lawn if Tye could use his mower to mow ours.
They shook on it.
(Tye would have mowed his lawn anyway, but he knew grandpa wouldnt let him without a trade)
Grace and I would go rake the front yard, clean up the fruit that fell on the ground and clean up the branches from the heavy winds the night before.

As time went on, I would get a little more concerned for them. They would travel from Mountain Green, Wyoming to Syracuse, Utah every other week or so. Its about a 2 hour drive. But they would do it in the winterest of winter days.
Grandmas health was getting worse. She had been suffering from MS for quite a few years.
She would spend her time inside. In the years before, she would sometimes venture out to the front porch and sit on the bench while grandpa would weed and Grace would climb the tree.
We didnt know their kids or grandkids. They all lived in Wyoming.
But, they knew us.
They knew of Grace, the "OTHER" grandchild in Syracuse.

On Saturday, Tye and I were heading to the funeral of our friends mother.
We pulled out of the drive and passed grandma and grandpas house. There were a few cars there. Tye mentioned that it made him nervous when a bunch of cars were there. I told him that I would get nervous when I would hear sirens, so I ALWAYS checked out the front to make sure they werent headed to grandmas and grandpas.
We both agreed how sad we would be when either of them passed.

Later that day I was at dinner with Grace and her friend. My phone rang with a number that I didnt recognize. I dont normally answer those calls, but I did this time.
I answered it, and it was the old bishop for the ward in our neighborhood. He introduced himself and then let me know that Grandpa asked him to call me. Grandma had passed away that morning.
I was stunned.
I had no idea that there had been issues to that degree.
She had, in fact, been ill and declining the last month. And rapidly the last 2 weeks.
She was having issues breathing on Friday and was in a bad way. So Grandpa took her to the hospital on Friday evening.
Saturday morning, she left.

I hung up with him, and Grace could tell something was wrong.
I let her know that grandma died.
She did her best to keep the tears back.

Then I called Tye. He was stunned and sad as well.

They decided to do a viewing in Syracuse on Tuesday, and the funeral in Wyoming on Thursday.
We had to support Grandpa. We would go to both.

We went to the church where the viewing was on Tuesday.
It was a typical viewing in a church. We waited in line to see Grandpa. We still had not had an opportunity to see or talk to him since grandma passed.
I watched as people in their 70's and 80's showed up, shook hands and had small talk.
I imagine that this stage in life, this really is a common thing that is just part of their lives. So, it makes sense that with that, it can be a little bit casual.
I noticed that nobody hugged grandpa.
There was alot of hand shaking. There was alot of small talk.
I watched as the person infront of me was bringing their small talk to an end, and waited to catch grandpas eye.

Caught it.

I took one step forward with my arms as wide open as they could go and wrapped them around him as if they could go around a dozen times.
Then he wept.
"Oh Alisa, my neighbor. My favorite neighbor. My kind, sweet neighbor. My FREIND."
We hugged tightly and both wept.
He pulled away and apologized for not calling us. saying "I just didnt know how to call you. I hesitated. I wasnt sure."
I assured him that it was ok.
He looked down at Grace who was glued to my side and smiled and said "Hi lovely Grace. Can I please...." and before he could ask, she had her arms wrapped tightly around him.
Tye then wrapped his arms around him and let him know how much he loves him.
And grandpa wept.

During my time of struggling through my value in friendships and almost feeling victimized by friendship, it showed itself in the purest form. And it was reflecting through my 83 year old neighbor.
I realized that friendship has many faces. It has many depths and you may think you know what YOUR friendship means or doesnt mean to someone.....but never assume it doesnt hold value.


And Megan....thank you for being my friend.
I got to reconnect with my special friend Megan on Wednesday night.
And it wasnt a moment too late.
I got to tell her things that hurt me deeply over the last little bit.
She was unbiased. She was wise and she was supportive.
As I have been struggling over the last few weeks and knowing I needed to bounce stuff off of someone, what kept coming back to me was "Megan, Megan, call Megan. Call Megan. Its Megan. Megan is your girl"
Megan was my girl.
I hope I added value to your night and life just as you did mine. I love you friend!

So, the best thing I can do is to be the friend that I want to have.
And so I am.


Alisa

3.....2.....1.....
Meltdown

Bad day

So, its not been a great couple of days.
Well, today was great for a couple of hours. But, before it....meh. After it.....meh.

Yesterday I started a.....detox. Yeah, a detox.
Tye is doing it with me. It's not HCG.
Anyway, I slept funky Monday night. I didn't get to sleep until about 2. Then kitty started crying, whining and meowing REALLY loud at 5:30. In THE MORNING!!!! So, I had a raging headache all day.
First day of detox + funky sleeping - actual sleep + drama that just won't go away and makes me crazy = the crappiest of crappy days in a long time for this girl.
Today, headache lingering because I slept funky. Kitty up at 5:30, gotta get to work, "don't back out B....don't back out B" going through my head. Low numbers. Blah blah blah.

Here's what I need. I need a wise, non-biased person to talk to.
I don't want someone who will give into and agree with my smallness.
I want someone to tell me I'm wrong for feeling this way about *this*, and that I'm not seeing things as their potential.
I want someone to tell me I'm wrong, and I want them to be right.

And, I want my tooth not to hurt until I have insurance.


And I want a cookie.
Hmmphh

New Year, New Day, New Moment

***K, I wrote this on Saturday, but was having issues....with my fauxhawk, jeep, and I gained 5 lbs overnight. Plus I keep getting little jabs of pain all over my body.

Hmmm....how perplexing.....***

Happy new year!!!!

I resolve everyday. So, I'm not going to do this whole resolution thing just because it's the beginning of a new year.
I do it cuz it's a new day, a new moment, a new opportunity.

Daily:

-I punish myself way too much about food. I won't do that anymore. That doesn't mean that I'm going to just eat like crap and ignore the consequences. No, what I mean is that if I chose to not eat crap, it is because of how it makes my body feel. It will be because I am treating myself kindly. And I will no longer treat myself unkind with words in my head.

-With speaking more kindly to myself, I will with others as well. With my girl and my hubby specifically. I will spend more time with my girl, doing what eight year olds do. With that, I will also have more follow through with my girl. I mean this in the discipline area. She may voice the contrary, but she works well with discipline.

-I'm going to read more books. With this new thing I have that is flat and shinny and has a fruit on the back (I dare not say the name for fear I might get another jabbing pain in some random place on my body), I have downloadable books. There are lots of free ones, and the ones that aren't free, are cheap. More books that really interest me. With that, I will be consciously creating more time to do so.

-I won't resolve to keeping my house cleaner. I think that will be a result of me being truer to myself. Doing what centers me. What grounds me.

-I'm going to say sorry when I'm sorry, and say I'm wrong when I'm wrong.

-I'm going to say yes when the answer is yes, and I'm going to say no when the answer is no.

- I am going to say kinder, thoughtful, conscious words in my marriage. 2010 was a great year for us because hubby stayed conscious. 2011 is my year to do that. Oh man, we're gonna make our friends dry heave. Hehehehe

-I am going to make use of the money I pay to the gym every month. I just dont know when.

Now for the FUN stuff:

- I am going to go to AT LEAST 3 Brandi Carlile concerts. In Utah or out of state. Whatever.

- Im going to get 2 tattoos!!!

- Im going to do the SLC Marathon again. (Bike Tour)

- Im going to do LRRH.

WAHOO!!!

What are you creating in 2011?

Alisa

Yay! I'm blogging from my brand new iPad! Tye brought it home for me yesterday. I was sur-prised indeed.
I always thought they were cool, but never thought of spending that kind of money on me. Or on something I don't "need".
But, I have to say, it's pretty rad.
I know that I haven't even begun to know all it can do. But it will be fun to figure it out.

Last night I downloaded a bunch of free iBooks. Then I read one to grace as we snuggled, rather than watching tv.
It's good.
Really good.

So, how was your Xmas? Ours was fantastic!
Tye was pleasant, grace was pleasant. I think I was pleasant.
We went to my mom and dads on the 23rd to celebrate Xmas. Everyone had originally planned on going to San diego over Xmas, but us. So we made othee loans for Xmas. Then, not everyone decided to go to San diego, so, my parents came here.
However, we had already made Xmas plans, enter Xmas on the 23rd.

It was great. We ate, talked, played games. We also gave my parents their gift.
We had the grandkids pictures professionally done for them.
The last time we had them done was 8 years and 4 grandkids ago.
It was time.

I had my sister in law, Sara, take the pictures.
Those that are followers, prally already know how awesome she is.
Then ww had them printed on wrapped canvas from iprintcanvas.
He rocks.
Our pictures came out UH-MAZING!!

We were so excited to give the pictures to them.
They LOVED it!!!!

My mom cried. Score!

Then we played trivial pursuit until 2 in the morning.
It was such a great night.

The next night we went to tyes moms for our annual family Xmas party. Every year we have a themed party. This year analee wanted to have us bring our music stuff so we could make music. So we decided that we would all come dressed as musicians. Well, not EVERYONE was a musician.

Tye was some guy from alice in chains. He actually could have been kid rock.
Grace was shania twain and I was Elton John. I will post pics when I can get them from Sara.

Analee was Liza maneli (sp?)
I can't remember who Doug was, but he looked AWESOME!!!
Yale was Ted nuggent, allee was pat benatar (sp?)
Linzy was one of the beetles and Xander was Chris ledeux.
Alex was Elvis, Sara was MJ and Oliver was Michael McClain. Oliver was my favorite. He looked awesome!!!

Anyway, it was a great night with yummy food and awesome music,

Grace got a couple small things for Xmas from Santa. Then......from around the corner the kitty came.
She flipped out!
She has wanted a cat for a long long time. I have always said no.
She eventually got good with it. So she didn't suspect a thing!!!

I'm not gonna lie, this kitty is pretty damn cute!!
We named her Tori.

Then up to tyes dads we went. We spent most of the day there. It was really nice and relaxing.

However, I am glad that it is over.

Now, back to the gym. I gotta get there before the beginning of the year so it isn't just a resolution.
Know what I mean?

Bye bye.

Alisa

15 Hours in Seattle

So, my trip to Seattle.....

LOTS of driving.

LOTS.

And then more.

Why did I go?

Silly, you know why I went.

I went to go see my girl, Brandi.

I was supposed to see her twice, but only got to once. The story is coming.

Now, as much as I love Brandi and the twins, they are not complete without her drummer, Allison Miller. She is not only the frosting, but the sugar IN the frosting.

Serious.

So after their headliner, they dimmed the the lights. Then Allison snuck up on stage, sat at her drums, and without any notice, went INSANE on the drums. INSANE!!

I think it scared everyone.

And here she is, going CRAZY!!

Oh man, it was SO GREAT!!

THEN, here is the song........

(There are some swears here....)

I WAS SO EXCITED!!!! I have always wanted to see her do Creep Live!

I cant even tell you how AMAZING it was!!!

In this video, she is singing with her sister Tiffany (who is engaged to Phil)

While we were in line, I mentioned to Jen and Cristina (our new friend) that I bet she will bring her sister on stage, since they are playing at home. OH, and MAYBE even her mom.

Guess what, SHE DID BOTH!!

This is Tiffany and Brandi.

I love, love, love, love, love her.

But, you know this.

So, bum deal though. We didn't get to see her perform with the Seattle Symphony. :( Sad.

There was some gnarly weather headed our way, and I DID NOT want to drive in it.

I woke up Sunday morning with 6 different weather alerts on my phone and ALL of them were places we had to drive through.

I just had a pit in my stomach. Leaving was the LAST thing I wanted to do. Well, second to last thing. (The VERY last thing I wanted to do was drive home is gnarly weather.)

So, as I listened to myself say to Jen, "Jen, we cant stay, we need to go."

While the rest of me way saying "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!"

I knew we had to go.

I had been nervous the WHOLE trip about driving home.

I like to believe that I made the smart choice, even though we STILL had to stay the night in Baker City......AGAIN!

Oh Baker City..... I really dont care if I EVER go there again.

INFACT, if I drive to the Northwest again, I will drive straight past Baker City to Pendleton. If I have to break it up, I will stay in Pendleton for the night.

Our first night, we stayed in Baker City. We stayed at Knights Inn.

Oh lala.....

When we got in, I think it was 21 degrees.

We checked in, and sorry, but I could only understand about every 5th word that came from the man behind the desk.

We get up to our wood paneled room and bundled up. IT WAS SO COLD!

It looked like there were about 3 different ways to heat our room. So, I picked up the phone in our room to call the front desk to ask which way I heat our room that was, no lie, 45 degrees.

Im not kidding you when I tell you that the phone in the room, WAS A PROP!

Serious.

There were no hang up buttons.

AND, there was nothing plugged into it.

Yeah. Things were goin' great.

So, I called the number that they had on the pad of paper that they provided.

Apparently, Knights Inn has a call center.

A women answered the phone and I told her what room we were in and we needed to know how to turn on the heat, My Land, THE HEAT!

Mother of all that is warm, I NEED HEAT!

The girl on the other line says, (quite condescendingly, I might add) "Listen, Im not at your hotel, this is a call center."

I say "This dump has a CALL CENTER??"

Her: "........"

Me: "Well, then I bet you have the number to the one that I am staying at. Im in Baker City, Oregon."

She gave me the number. I call it.

Again.... every 5th word is understood.

However, I did understand this part: "If you like, I can come up there and help you figure it out..."

Uh, Thanks, and NO THANKS.

We did what we thought we needed, bundled up, and tried to fall asleep. (Worst night of sleep on a LONG time)

I figured the heat came on around 2 or 3 in the morning.

Nice.

So, as I said....back in Baker City again. I was NOT a happy camper.

Anywho, watch those Youtubes and love her. LOVE HER!

Consistantly Inconsistant

Holla!

Can I just tell you.... I AM SO AMAZINGLY, TRULY, GENUINELY EXCITED!!!

Really, I don't get REALLY excited about much. Day to day stuff just isn't exciting.

Don't get me wrong, I am comfortable in my daily, boring and predictable routine.

Comfortable- VERY

Love it- Not all the time

I have a great job. It really is a good gig. Minimal stress. Casual setting. Great people to work with. As far as jobs go, I have a sweet gig.

BUT- There are the mornings when I wake up and I say out loud "Please...no....not again. I cant do this routine one more time...I cant!"

Then I think really hard.

And then I remember, ITS SATURDAY!

Now, dont think that just because it is saturday, there is anything exciting going on.

Nope. On any given Saturday you can find me cleaning my house. Just so it can stay clean for 3 days. Then it becomes a mess and I do it all over again on Saturday.

Hows that for routine?

BUT- Not this Saturday. Hip Hip Hooray!

I will be in SEATTLE!!

Serious, this little ole Utah girl has wanted to go to Seattle for-EVAR!

The gloomeyness of it. The GREEN. The grunge. And I am positive that Seattle just always smells like coffee. ALWAYS.

Oh man, i am SO EXCITED!

So in this post, I blogged about why im going to Seattle. Remember how I mentioned that we paid 400+% for our symphony tickets?

Well, shortly after I blogged that, I got this email....

Hi,

I read about your unfortunate experience with the symphony tickets on your blog. I just wanted to let you know, in case you didn't already, there is a secret show with Brandi and the Twins on Saturday 11/20 at Neumos in Seattle. Tickets are still available. The show is listed as "The Story Guy and his Band".

https://www.etix.com/ticket/servlet/onlineSale?action=selectPerformance&cobrand=neumos&performance_id=1342018

.

Hope you can make it.

Roberta

(www.againtoday.com)

WHA????

How did this chic know to read my blog? Don't get me wrong.....SO GLAD SHE DID!

Againtoday.com is a fan website for Brandi Carlile.

So, yeah....I've been on it a few times.....what of it?

Anyway, the next day I went online to the venue website.

Sure enough "The Story" guy and his band.....

But, there was no bio for them. I get it, is supposed to be a secret show.

But I wanted to make sure!

So I called the venue.

Ring Ring Ring

Them: Neumos

Me: Hi. I have a quick question.

Them: Sure. What is it?

Me: So, Im looking at your website and the shows coming up.

Them: yeah

Me: Well, Im reading the bio's, but there isnt one for "The Story Guy"and his band....

Them: ................

Me: Hello?

Them: Why are you asking?

Me: Well, as I mentioned just now, you have bios for all the other bands, but not this one. What can you tell me about them?

Them: Well, actually, its a secret show.

Me: Secret show? How is it secret if its on your website? ( I knew why it was secret.....I just like to ask alot of questions)

Them: Well, its a band that is pretty popular in Seattle, so they are doing a show only for those loyal, hardcore fans that would know how to find out that they are doing a secret show.

Me: So, you're talking about Brandi Carlile.....Right?

Them:...................

Me: Hello?!

Them: I cant tell you that.

Me: Well, OBVIOUSLY Im one of those fans you speak of since I just asked the secret question about the secret band.....

Them: Per the contract, I cant say the name of the band. BUT, I can tell you this. Get your tickets.

IM SO EXCITED!!!

AND Brandi was on Austin City Limits on Saturday night.

It was like watching someone I know on TV.

I know, I am pathetic.

I am pretty much a stalker.

Wait, no, im not.

I don't know anything that anyone else couldn't know.

Its not like I know the color of her drapes. Or her route to the gym......past the grocery store and next to the library in the small town she lives in.

Sheesh...its not like I know that she likes to eat brown sugar on her cream o wheat with one boiled egg while she reads the paper (local section first)

THAT would be icky.

Funny Grace story (havent done one for a while)

We went to the dentist today.

I knew that she had at least one cavity. So, I wanted to make sure I used my insurance before things changed the beginning of the year. AND, I wanted to make sure we didn't have to deal with any bigger problems later.

I know, good mom, right?

So, she HATES the dentist. She gets scared. But, we have a great one for her. She gets to watch a movie on the 3-D glasses magigado thingy.

AND, she gets laughing gas.

SHE IS HILARIOUS!

All inhibitions out the window. At one point the dentist was giving her a numbing shot. It was pinchy and it hurt.

Grace was saying "Ow! Owie! Stop. Please Stop!"

The dentist said "Im almost done.....5 more seconds...."

Grace YELLS (with the dentists hand in her mouth, but heard VERY clearly) "DONT LIE TO ME LADY! TAKE YOUR EVIL MACHINE OUTTA MY MOUTH!!"

hahahahahahahaha

The dentist looked at me, I just shrugged my shoulders. Thats my girl.

Then, as the dentist was working on her, and she was watching Tom and Jerry, at one point she started laughing and could not stop. The dentist stopped for a second and asked "Whats so funny Grace?"

Grace responds with sticking her pinky finger in the air and giggles "Look how skinny and little my pinky finger is....I wonder how bendy it is...."

Yeah, she was feelin' good.....