Measuring Time. One Year.

How do you measure time?

Sure, we have calendars and we have clocks.

But how can you REALLY measure time?

For instance, how does one REALLY measure the time span of one year?

At birthdays, or holidays in the past, I would reflect and think “WOW, one year has gone by fast…..and I can hardly think of what has happened in between.”

But this last year, it was measured very differently.

Its one thing to measure time by dates, events and deadlines - but to measure time in such a way that it is compared to how long someone has been gone from your life…..very different.

Today is the day that marks 1 full year with out my brother Brian. He is my brother. He always will be.

It truly is amazing to me how I quantify this last year. I find myself wondering how the last 365 days have past. Yet, they have.

There have been things that have happened since Brian’s death that have had a profound impact on my life. Just as Brian’s death did.

Old relationship....just doing it different now:

There was a relationship that I decided I HAD to fix. A relationship that was actually HARDER to do damaged, than it was to do it fixed. You know how they say it takes more face muscles to frown than it does to smile. Parallel that to a relationship and that is what I was doing. Stupid. So, I fixed what I was doing with it, and now I have someone in my life that I trust and love and most of all, laugh with! Thank you Brian.

New life….

Brian died June 9, 2009. 3 months later on September 9, 2009, his brother Paul Cardall received his long awaited, desperately needed, everyday prayed for, new heart.

I have had people close in my life leave this earth. Both young and old. Both a relief and a tragedy. This is my truth; I don’t know what happens after we leave this earth. But I DO know that though it seems that they have left us, we have not left them. They stay close. Brian is close. And I do believe that Brian worked hard to make sure his brother was able to continue living. I know that Paul’s life was one of the most important things to Brian. How proud Brian must have been when he knew Paul was getting an opportunity at a New Life. Thank you Brian.

September 16^th, 2009

Such an emotional day.

A day that we had all been waiting for. Even if it was while holding our breath.

Bella Aspen Cardall was going to join us. I was elated! I was also very somber.

Some may think, “What a tragedy for Bella not to know her Daddy.” And yes, I understand where that comes from. I have felt the same way at times. But again, this is MY truth; she got some serious one on one time with him for 3 months. Because I know that person that he is, and I know his heart, I know that he took very good care of her. He sent her here with a gift. If you have not ever met Bella, I hope one day you might. She is a wise old soul in a baby’s body.

She is a feeler. She connects. She doesn’t feel like a baby. She is here to watch over her mom and sister. She is such a blessing.

I remember the day that she was born. Anna was simply amazing. It was such an honor for me to be in there with her as Brian handed her off to us to take care of. When she entered this world, there was such a feeling of joy, excitement, but a very reverent peace as well. Thank you Brian.

New Family and new relationships:

I LOVE Brian’s family. The Cardalls are simply AMAZING people. All of them. And where as I may know some of them better than others, I truly feel that they are my family.

You know, I really felt like I lived consciously before Brian died. But what I know now, is that I live more consciously now. And I also know that I still have more conscious living to do. Brians death taught me that.

Since Brian’s death, I feel that I have learned, but also continue to learn how, to be with my relationships. Both with my family, and those that I am not technically related to. There are people that have been in my life that I have created better relationships with. People that have been on the side lines of my life, just waiting for my signal, I have created new relationships with. As well as others that I have found in my life, seemingly on accident, but I know that it is no accident. People that I recognize and honor the connection that we have. People that will always be, in my world, my family. I hope you know who you are.

I have learned that I always want to tell the people that I love, that I love them. Why would I want to assume that they know it? It’s my job to tell them. And, even if they all did know it, why would I not just want to say it? Its easy. And it feels good. Thank you Brian.

THE Relationship:

Who doesn’t want a good marriage? Who gets married to have a miserable marriage?

Well, it seems to be more important than ever to me to have the best marriage that I can. And I think my husband feels the same. I don’t know that it is all because of Brian’s death. But it sure has a lot to do with everything else mentioned above. So, I guess Brian’s death has something to do with that. In addition to that, my desire and consciousness to be a better mom is constantly at the surface. Even though I know I fail many times daily.

I really don’t know if it took Brian’s death for me to learn these lessons. I would like to think that I was/am still capable of learning these lessons and the value in them without losing someone that I love.

But the truth is, we will all go through the pain of losing someone we love. Numerous times. It will happen over and over again. I am doing my best to live my life as such, that when I feel the pain of losing someone again, it is not accompanied with the pain of regret.

Today many people that love Brian will honor him in climbing Mt Olympus. Later, we get to see his infectious smile and authentic laugh, as we watch home videos. Brian, I love you. I miss you daily. I am so grateful for the lessons you continue to teach me. I am so grateful for the man you are. I am so grateful for the father you continue to be to your girls. And the husband you are to Anna.

I promise to live my life in such a manner that I have minimal regrets, and maximum love. We will continue on our daily lives. Fully aware and reminded that you are physically not here, but quietly thankful for the times we are reminded that you are in fact, not gone.

Cheers to you.

Alisa