Regret....

Yesterday, as I was cleaning up the house and thinking about what to make for dinner, the whole concept of regret came up for me. I am totally clear as to why. No questions there. But it led me to ponder the concept of "No Regrets", and what that means. I see two meanings, and please, if you see more, let me know.

It could be interpreted as this: At the time of looking back after decisions are made, that is when you choose to NOT regret what was or was not done. The choice is made at THAT time. Understand that it is what it is, and no regret can change it.

OR

Live consciously so that when you DO look back, you don't have to make the choice then NOT to regret. Choose not to betray yourself in the moment. Listen to YOU, NOW.

To me, the first is a cop-out. A way of disconnecting. The second, is the total opposite. You MUST be connected.

Why am I bringing this up? Well, I am really struggling with regret right now. And I don't know how willing I am to live in the space of the first "No Regrets" definition. Wait, yes, I do know how willing I am right now....I am not.

Why am I struggling?

Well, I am sure that ALL of you know that my brother in law was ripped out of our lives a few weeks ago. And I KNOW that I did not make it clear to him my love for him . Some may say, "No Alisa, he knew...." but right now, I cant ask him that. All I can go off of is how I feel about my actions, or lack thereof. I know how many times I told him I love him. Or how many times I was interested in what he was up to, or what he was working on next. Yes, it is true, that if he sat down and tried to explain it to me, I would be better off learning Japanese....but I didn't. I didn't present the opportunity. I didn't let him know as often as I feel I should have, how grateful I am for Ava (I need to get some pictures up here of the cutest lil' pixie EVER!) I didn't try to expand our relationship. I just let it try to expand itself. And so, because I did not live consciously letting him know that I love him, and I am so grateful for the role that he played in my life, my sisters life, my niece's life, and in my families life, I have my HUGE regret. My heart hurts. My heart is heavy. And nothing, or no one, nor any events DID this to me. I did this to me.

I owe Brian a HUGE apology.

Brian, I am so sorry. I know that I cant change ANYTHING that I did or didn't do while you were here. But I am so sorry. This is heavy for me. REALLY heavy. And I am SO willing to carry it.

This is why.

My heavy regret will stay with me as a reminder. As if I am carrying a big, heavy rock. And as I move through life, the heaviness of this rock will remind me of how my regret hurts me, and to live consciously in my relationships. As I continue to carry my rock, and continue to live consciously, as time moves on, my rock will become lighter, my relationships deeper, and choices more meaningful. As my life is shifting, my rock becomes lighter. Then, when the life I lead and the choices I make are parallel to me NOT betraying myself, and living a conscious life, with no regret, my heavy rock will be gone. And I wont know exactly when I put it down. Because the weight of my rock or regret is a direct result of how conscious I am in my life, with my decisions.

So forward I move, with my rock of regret. I own it. It has value. It has purpose.

And Brian, I know that I cant do, or undo things that I did or did not express and say. But, as painful as this lesson is to learn and continue to learn, THANK YOU for being the catalyst in my journey in learning this lesson. I love you. I thank you for the man that you are. For the husband that you are to my sister. For the father that you are to Ava and to baby. For the brother that you are to me. For being my teacher.

-Alisa