Secret.....

I have a secret to tell.
Actually….not a secret. Calling it a secret makes me feel like it is something that I should be ashamed of. And I’m not.

No way.

In fact, I have told other people this. So, it isn’t a secret. It never was.
So, that secret part…..scratch that.

I am 34 with a husband and an 8 year old daughter and I full on peed my pants.
No lie. 100% flood gates opened, peed until there was not more pee to release, peed my pants.

Want the story?

Here it is.

My family and I went up to Island Park, ID for the 4th of July weekend.
Tye’s family has a cabin up there on the lake and when we get invited, we really like to go. Plus, we had just purchased our camping trailer and wanted to break it in.

On Saturday, the rest of the family and Grace went out on the boat. So, Tye and I decided to shoot our bows. We loaded them in the truck with the target and headed out to find a meadow. We found a perfect spot just off a small dirt road.

Here’s where it all started to go….er get wet….

I think that as soon as my feet touched the ground, it triggered the beginning of some sort of bladder betrayal sensory connector in my body. For real, my feet touched the ground from getting out of the truck and I just went “Holy Cow, I have to pee….NOW”

****This is where some might say “If you aren’t interested in the details that I will be divulging below, skip to the next paragraph”. Well, not me. This is where I will say….If you aren’t interested in the details that I will be divulging below, you may want to stop reading my blog all together….*****

Play by play of Operation Bladder Betrayal-

Get out of the truck
HOLY MOTHER OF ALL THAT CONNECTS TO BODILY FUNCTIONS!!
MUST. PEE. NOW.!
Run over to the other side of the truck, in front of Tye’s open door.
Pants down.
Get in “position”.
Pee….
Tye yells “OH SHOOT!.....”.

Ok, at this point, for 1/8th of a millisecond, I thought that there was a rattlesnake by my butt. Don’t worry, there wasnt.

“What??” I say
Tye- “Here come people towards us…”
Sure enough, I didn’t plan on people coming TOWARDS us.
So, Tye jumps in front of me. Seriously though, they have already seen me in peeing position and peeing.
He yells “Hurry, STOP PEEING…GET UP!!”

HUH?!?!

Ok, tell me, who the hell can stop peeing after they have started? And not just a “tinkle” started, but “the flood gates have opened, release the contents” kind of started. Well, apparently, not me. I cant stop. Its as if my bladder has a mind of its own and it has been waiting for the perfect time to betray me. Or, as if it is not even a part of me at all. Totally independent of me and my body. No. It was more like I wanted someone across the world, in another country....say Laos, to stop peeing. I had no say in it.
Makes no sense, right?

So, there I am, pants up, pee still coming out of me. I gave up. I just accepted that pee was coming out of me at a very high rate and no matter what I (or Tye) thought I should be able to do about it, there was nothing that I could actually do about it. So I embraced it. I wouldn’t say that I actually preferred it. However, once I surrendered, it didn’t suck.

By this time, the riders on the ATVs have seen the show and they were on their way to tell all their family and friends and most likely Facebook about. Im sure someone has it on their blog as well. Well, mystery ATV-ers, you are welcome for the content.

So, Tye turns to me and says “You really peed your pants?” …….I look at him with a look that is somewhere between *Did I suddenly start talking in tongues and you didn’t understand me??* and *If that wasn’t you standing next to me while I peed my pants…WHO WAS IT??”

“YES!” I answer as I slap the back of my wet leg to demonstrate how wet my pants were.
“I look like a just sat in a river…..” I tell him. He looks at me, opens his door and gets something. He hands this “something” to me. It’s a (as in ONE) folded napkin………….

I look at him and say “I don’t need to blow my nose….”
He says “Put it in your underwear, it’ll soak up the pee.”
Really, he thought this was a good idea.

I look at him and say: “Tye, I love you. I really do. You know this. We have been married for 12 years. And maybe you have ever doubted my love for you. Hell, I have ever doubted my love for you. But not on this day. No. On this day I am clear about my love for you. However, right now I am doubting your ability to understand that I JUST PEED MY PANTS!!! I DIDN’T DO AN ACCIDENTAL TINCKLE LIKE I DO WHEN I SNEEZE!!! (Don’t act like you don’t know what I am talking about ladies) Thanks, but this will just melt in my pants and become part of the
wet- mess.”

Most of you, well actually, most PEOPLE, would head back to the cabin at this point.
But really, what would be the point? I would have to figure out how to sit in the truck as to not get the seat wet with my peed-ness. I guess I could have sat in the bed of the truck. Just like our dogs….that pee whenever and where ever they want.

But, I REALLY wanted to shoot my bow. So, I made the decision. No, we will not leave. We will stay and shoot our bows. There was a nice breeze out. I was wearing thin yoga pants. They would dry. They were black, so you couldn’t even tell that I had peed….kinda. So that is what we did. We stayed for about an hour and a half, my pants dried, I shot like crap-ish, lost an arrow and made a memory.

Adult incontinence mishap- 2.

With many more to come…I am positive.