Tonight I am hurt and I am pouting.

I am sure I will be over it tomorrow.

But I am hurt by someone elses actions....or lack thereof.

Why on earth do I make this hurt, really.....hurt?

Isn't it a choice?

Cant I choose to feel bad and be hurt, or choose to not let someone elses actions affect me?

So here I am....really wanting to put my walls up, again.

I want to protect myself.

And actually, I prally need to protect myself, from myself.

Here is where I have gotten myself in trouble this time-

I have a really hard time with relationships sometimes.

For many reasons.

I give MORE than I demand back. I just assume that the other party will follow my lead. But then they don't, and I tell myself that it is ok. I can do it their way. But I don't communicate any of the hurt with them that may come along....well, that DOES come along, with doing a relationship like that. I teach them to treat me unfairly. I don't do anything about it being unbalanced, therefore I create the unbalanced relationship. I don't feel that I am worthy to get what I give in the relationship. Like, this is what I owe them for putting up with being in a relationship with me. Oh, don't think that this continues on and on.

Nope.

I don't let it.

But not by getting clear with the other party.

nope.

I cut all strings.

Sianara!

Adios!

And I don't do this with all of my relationships.

In fact, I would say that I do this with a very very very small percentage of my relationships.

I would dare say that the bulk of my relationships are an understanding as to where we connect, and then we each do our thing from there. No expectations. Just know that I love you and we will be together when we are together.

I need to figure out the connection with the ones that I do this with though.

What is it about this person....or me in regards to this person...that I feel like I need to step in front of a bus for them. And they will let me.

Hmmm.....I don't know how much sense this makes.

It just comes down to this.

I am hurt.

Regardless if it makes sense, or if I shouldn't be hurt, or if I am over reacting....

I am hurt.

I REALLY hope that I haven't hurt anyone else like this.

I bet I have.

I am sorry.



****So, I wrote the above on Friday night. Today is Monday. Things are better.
I was really caught off guard with how hurt I was. Really, I was HURT.
But I am no longer.
This person and I got things cleared up.
It meant alot to me that the next day, my phone was blowing up with texts from said (actually UN-said) individual. Ya, know...trying to just get back to "normal". Said friend was trying to patch things up and make sure we were ok.
Truth is, I knew that we would be ok.
I love said friend too much to leave.
But what was nice was that the question was posed from said friend....
"Do you hate me because of Friday....I am really really sorry".

My answer...of coarse not.
Hate is such a strong word.
I don't think there is anyone that I would say I hate.
I let said friend know that I was hurt.
It gave me an opportunity to get it off my chest, and be completely honest with said friend about how said friend doesn't/hasn't shown up in our relationship.

Said friends response: "MAN! You are never a mean person, but what you said HURTS!"
My response: "I understand your intentions....but these are our results."

Since then, Said Friend has made quite the effort.
And said friend has been sober while making the effort.
(some of the source of the hurt)

I love that I have relationships that I want to fix. I love that I have relationships with people that I can say..."Hey, the way you are doing (or NOT doing) this hurts me."
And that it matters enough that things can be right again.

My relationships mean alot to me.
They are a reflection of the person that I am .
If you are in a relationship with me, trust that you will get the honest Alisa.
Its not always easy to be honest with people.
But I don't know how to do it different.
This is where I stand to get clobbered.
Since I choose to be honest in my relationships, I trust, or rather expect, that the other party is honest with me.
So I never second guess or question the relationship, or what is being said.
But that is not always the case.
So that is where I get clobbered.

But ya know what?
I will not change who I am.
Even if it means that I get clobbered less.
I would rather get clobbered, than betray myself.
I would be the only one that loses in that scenario.
No way would I win.

So, please let me know if the way that I do our relationship hurts you.
I never want to hurt anyone.
Especially the ones that I love.

xoxoxoxo

Ah-lee ;)

Music

I love music.
What would we do with out it?
Really!
What if you NEVER got to have a song stuck in your head?
Hey, I will take The Wiggles or Dora in my head any day over nothing at all.
Sometimes, I wake up with a song that is my head, and no lie, my day will parallel that song.
Sometimes it is good thing.....other times not

I know I have posted my "Favorites....for right now" here before.
I have had them on a play list too.
I will get that back up.

This is a list of songs that I listen to everyday.
Some, for the last week.
Some for longer.



Engineers- (I effed up, so these first three songs are not on the playlist you can listen to, but I will fix it)
*Home
*Forgiveness
*Come In Out of the Rain
*Waved On

India.Arie-
*Beautiful
***I don't think I will EVER EVER EVER EVER get sick of this song. EVER!

Passion Pit-
*Sleepyhead
*Moths Wings

Pink Floyd-
*Coming Back To Life
*Learning to Fly
*The Turning Away
***Ok, really.....honestly...truthfully...how does it get any better than Pink Floyd? Ok, I get it. There are two types of Pink Floyd. There is the Syd Barrett Pink Floyd and the David Gilmour Pink Floyd. If you are a fan of Pink Floyd, you may prefer one over the other....as I do. My preference? Well, clearly, based of the 3 songs above, I am a David Gilmour fan.
But even with the paranoid and angry Syd Barrett, really.....You cant get better than Pink Floyd.
K. I am off my PF soap box.

Q-Tip
*Life Is Better (Featuring Norah Jones)

****K, here is the explanation. I get it....you're prally thinking...."Um Alisa, you know that you are a white, fat, uncool mom.....right?" Yes, I am aware of all of those things. However, it will change. Well, all of it but the White part.
I have a friend that introduced me to this song. I liked it. I like most anything with a good beat. Norah adds to it. I have listened to alot of other Q-Tip songs, but none that I have wanted to commit to. So, as I was saying. My friend introduced me to this song last year. Its on my gym play list. Sometimes I like to know the words to the songs I like, and other times, I don't like to bother. This one I started getting down with out really realizing it. It wasn't an conscious effort I was putting forth.
One say I asked said friend "Do you know the lyrics to Life Is Better?"
His response- "I wish"
End result:
I am going to "out Q-Tip" said friend.
I knew that I wasn't going to see him for at least a couple of weeks, if not more.
And by the time I saw him again, I would have it all down.
So, that is why I have been listening to it everyday. And because I like it.
I am about 65% with the lyrics.
They aren't easy.
Look them up and give it a listen.

-Radiohead
*High and Dry
*House of Cards
*No More Surprises

-Ryan Adams
*Wonderwall

***Ok, before I get a scolding from my from Nicky....I love Ryan Adams. And I listen to him ALL the time. However, this is the one that I listen to daily.

Check 'em out.

Christmas and such

I found myself being angry that some blogs I follow have not posted in a while.
Then I realized how hypocritical that is.

Sometimes I don't think that I have anything to write about. And sometimes I actually don't. But other times, I just have to be quiet for a second, and think about what has happened over the last few weeks.

I had to look to see if I had posted anything since Christmas.
Nope, I didn't.

Christmas is great and wonderful and CAN be magical.....but seriously, lets face it.......Christmas is a commercialized pain in the ass. And I buy into it every year.
This year was the worst. Not necessarily buying into the whole commercialized BS part.....but rather procrastinating and such, therefore not really getting into the true meaning, or the magic of it.

Everyone has there own "True Meaning" of Christmas.
For me, my "True Meaning" of Christmas is quality time spent with loved ones. Reconnecting with the real relationship you have with those close to you. Service. Totally about service.
Ugh! I am so mad at myself that I let those things slip.
I was so caught up in other things, that I allowed myself to get stressed out about what I thought others expectations of me were (not cuz they told me....they don't know. I know your expectations of me and your judgments better than you ever could....right?)

Last year I approached my family with the idea of serving a family for Christmas.
Everyone of us have what we need, and pretty much what we want.
The last thing I wanted from anyone was some clearance gadget from Bed Bath and Beyond.
And I sure as hell wasn't interested in purchasing same said gadget for anyone else.
So, instead of any of us buying anything for each other, we would put that money towards a family.
It was a great experience.

So, I wanted to do the same thing year.
In fact I wanted to do multiple families.
One that the Schmidt Family could serve. One that the Boulter/McDonald Family could serve. And one that we could serve with our friends. (Cuz here is the truth...we have kick ass friends)
Ask me if ANY of them happened.

Wait...don't.

It will make me feel bad about it all over again.
What did I do instead?

Did I get my shopping done early? Nope.
Done by Dec 1st? Nope
Done by mid Dec? Nope
Actually, DONE would imply that at one point I even started. So lets start over.
Start my shopping early? NOPE
Start my shopping by December 1st? NOPE
START my shopping by MID DECEMBER??? NOPE!!!

I started my shopping December 21st.
And I hated every moment of it.
And all I had to really shop for was Tye and Grace.
Tye is a "what do I buy Tye" disaster from hell anyway. Really. I get it that I may exaggerate at times.....but this is not one of the times. The fact that I have to call his friends to get ideas about what to get him, lets you know how bad of a wife I really am. I made him agree that this year he will not buy anything for himself after September 1st.
Seriously, throw us a bone here.

I had the entire week of Christmas off, and it was not relaxing. Not at all. It was hectic and fast and stressful.
It is no one elses fault but my own.

I will do better this year.

This year, we will serve a family. (Maybe more)
This year, we will spend quality time with those that we love.
This year, it will feel magical and yummy.
This year, my house will smell like pine trees and gingerbread cookies.
This year, my house will be decorated with cute little holiday crafts that Grace and I do.
This year, there will be no tension, no stress about what to get someone. Because there will only be 2 people that I buy for.
I am going to be straight up honest. Other than Tye and Grace, there was only ONE person of all the others I purchased gifts for, that I was excited about. Truly....ONE!
That's CRAP!

So then Christmas was over.
Whew!

Next, New Years.

Here is the short version:

Rather than focusing on New Years, we had a "Brian Is Gooder Than Hell" party for our friend (and one of my favoritest people) Brian.

It was fun.
It was crazy.
At times dramatic.
But we were super glad to celebrate his birthday at our house.

However, it took us about 4 days to clean the house.

I am glad the chance of that happening again is a year away. :D

And lastly.....
3 days after I got my Jeep. Tye totaled his truck.
But, it was totaled.
So we will see what they will pay us for it, and Tye will get a new truck .
I think he was just jealous of my Jeep.
Truly.
I am not kidding.


And, I am sorry if you get to be one of the recipients of Graces message......
If you are, it will sound like this.....


"Hey there Sonny- Names Everett. These two soggy sonsabitches are Pete and Delmar." Followed by her famous Bart Simpson laugh.
Who am I kidding, I am not sorry if you get that message. Consider yourself lucky if you do.
Its funnier than hell!
So far there has only been two people that she has left that message for.
I wouldn't let her call Gma and Gpa.....so sorry.

Go ahead. Judge Me.


A