Tonight I am hurt and I am pouting.

I am sure I will be over it tomorrow.

But I am hurt by someone elses actions....or lack thereof.

Why on earth do I make this hurt, really.....hurt?

Isn't it a choice?

Cant I choose to feel bad and be hurt, or choose to not let someone elses actions affect me?

So here I am....really wanting to put my walls up, again.

I want to protect myself.

And actually, I prally need to protect myself, from myself.

Here is where I have gotten myself in trouble this time-

I have a really hard time with relationships sometimes.

For many reasons.

I give MORE than I demand back. I just assume that the other party will follow my lead. But then they don't, and I tell myself that it is ok. I can do it their way. But I don't communicate any of the hurt with them that may come along....well, that DOES come along, with doing a relationship like that. I teach them to treat me unfairly. I don't do anything about it being unbalanced, therefore I create the unbalanced relationship. I don't feel that I am worthy to get what I give in the relationship. Like, this is what I owe them for putting up with being in a relationship with me. Oh, don't think that this continues on and on.

Nope.

I don't let it.

But not by getting clear with the other party.

nope.

I cut all strings.

Sianara!

Adios!

And I don't do this with all of my relationships.

In fact, I would say that I do this with a very very very small percentage of my relationships.

I would dare say that the bulk of my relationships are an understanding as to where we connect, and then we each do our thing from there. No expectations. Just know that I love you and we will be together when we are together.

I need to figure out the connection with the ones that I do this with though.

What is it about this person....or me in regards to this person...that I feel like I need to step in front of a bus for them. And they will let me.

Hmmm.....I don't know how much sense this makes.

It just comes down to this.

I am hurt.

Regardless if it makes sense, or if I shouldn't be hurt, or if I am over reacting....

I am hurt.

I REALLY hope that I haven't hurt anyone else like this.

I bet I have.

I am sorry.



****So, I wrote the above on Friday night. Today is Monday. Things are better.
I was really caught off guard with how hurt I was. Really, I was HURT.
But I am no longer.
This person and I got things cleared up.
It meant alot to me that the next day, my phone was blowing up with texts from said (actually UN-said) individual. Ya, know...trying to just get back to "normal". Said friend was trying to patch things up and make sure we were ok.
Truth is, I knew that we would be ok.
I love said friend too much to leave.
But what was nice was that the question was posed from said friend....
"Do you hate me because of Friday....I am really really sorry".

My answer...of coarse not.
Hate is such a strong word.
I don't think there is anyone that I would say I hate.
I let said friend know that I was hurt.
It gave me an opportunity to get it off my chest, and be completely honest with said friend about how said friend doesn't/hasn't shown up in our relationship.

Said friends response: "MAN! You are never a mean person, but what you said HURTS!"
My response: "I understand your intentions....but these are our results."

Since then, Said Friend has made quite the effort.
And said friend has been sober while making the effort.
(some of the source of the hurt)

I love that I have relationships that I want to fix. I love that I have relationships with people that I can say..."Hey, the way you are doing (or NOT doing) this hurts me."
And that it matters enough that things can be right again.

My relationships mean alot to me.
They are a reflection of the person that I am .
If you are in a relationship with me, trust that you will get the honest Alisa.
Its not always easy to be honest with people.
But I don't know how to do it different.
This is where I stand to get clobbered.
Since I choose to be honest in my relationships, I trust, or rather expect, that the other party is honest with me.
So I never second guess or question the relationship, or what is being said.
But that is not always the case.
So that is where I get clobbered.

But ya know what?
I will not change who I am.
Even if it means that I get clobbered less.
I would rather get clobbered, than betray myself.
I would be the only one that loses in that scenario.
No way would I win.

So, please let me know if the way that I do our relationship hurts you.
I never want to hurt anyone.
Especially the ones that I love.

xoxoxoxo

Ah-lee ;)